We need to talk.
You should know that I have hidden 73% of you from my News Feed. Sadly, this is not a made up number. The constant barrage of your inane, insipid and occasionally offensive posts became too much, and I felt some kind of action was required. Short of deleting my Facebook account, hiding you was the best thing I could come up with.
Please don’t be angry. There is a way to get back in my good graces, and back on my News Feed, if you are willing to make a few changes in your Facebook posting habits. Below I offer you some suggestions. Please take them in the spirit they were intended.
1. Being prolific is not always a good thing. You should limit your posts to a maximum of five per day. I’m talking specifically to Julie, Sam and Ray.
2. Please stop asking me for my birth date. If I wanted my birthday information known, I would put it on my Timeline.
3. I don’t care that you like Target or AT&T, or that you read an article in The Huffington Post, or that you listened to Adele’s new song on Spotify. It may not be your fault I get these notices, but I blame you anyway.
4. There is no need to share that you had a great workout, or that you ate a fiesta chicken wrap and green beans for lunch, or that you bought a new battery for your car. It’s just not that interesting.
5. I am thrilled that you harvested a 26 lb. strawberry on Farmville2, but I don’t want Facebook sending me notices about it. You do know it’s not a real strawberry, I hope?
6. It’s wonderful that you use Facebook to promote your business. It shows you are on the cutting-edge of marketing. Did you know Facebook has special accounts for businesses? They do. Please open one.
7. I’m happy that you have discovered Outlaw Video Poker. I hope you find it spiritually fulfilling, but I am not joining in the fun, no matter how many times you invite me.
8. Please stop posting blurry, out of focus pictures. It makes you look lazy. Show a little pride.
9. Please stop sharing videos of children who can sing like adults, or soldiers who surprise their kids at school. The latter was touching the first twenty times I saw it, but now, not so much.
10. Stop asking me to pray for people I don’t know. I don’t pray often, so when I do, it will be for someone I actually care about.
11. Please stop reminding me I should “never forget” every time September 11 rolls around. Trust me, I won’t.
12. For that matter, please cease and desist with all the patriotic postings. You look like you’re trying too hard.
13. I hate to be the one to tell you, but I’m almost certain the Message From God you share every day doesn’t really come from God. Give it a rest.
14. I get it that you think Ted Nugent exemplifies all that is good about America, but I’m not interested in his views on our government, or that he kills his own food.
15. Likewise, please find another forum to express your own political opinions. If your rage over President Obama or gun control or abortion or the federal deficit truly cannot be contained, start a blog.
16. And finally, if you really believe Sandy Hook was a hoax perpetrated by our government, you are an imbecile and I want nothing more to do with you.